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Shame and guilt are two words that we often use interchangeably. While they both describe a hostile, uncomfortable emotion in response to our behavior, they have very different meanings.
This article will explore the difference between shame and guilt in detail because of the significant impact on how you view yourself, other people, and the world around you.
Psychologists define guilt as an emotional state that appears when we feel like we’ve failed to live up to our morals and expectations of ourselves and other people. Guilt provokes both thoughts of how we’ve failed and distressing emotions, like:
It can even cause physical reactions, like:
On the other hand, shame is defined as an intense feeling about the self that comes from failing to live up to your own or others’ standards. Although the two sound familiar, the main difference is that shame makes you see yourself as a wrong person, while guilt says that you’re a good person overall that did something terrible.
Shame is generally unhealthy, especially if it doesn’t get resolved. It can lead to a loss of self-esteem and confidence over time. In considering shame vs. guilt, they can be both be just as unpleasant.
Example: Imagine you become distracted while driving. You notice that the light ahead is turning yellow, so you run a red light and almost hit a pedestrian. If you feel guilty, you may say, ‘ oh man, ly almost messed up.ly need to be more careful and stop getting distracted while driving.
Shame, on the other hand, is more toxic and harmful. Shame says, ‘i’m an awful driver; why am I even allowed to be on the road?’
With shame, it’s about who you are as a person, not the actions you take. Shame can also come from external sources. In the driving example, shame may come from the person in the backseat who’s criticizing you for being the wrong person.
Prior stressful events can contribute to the stress we experience now. This can lead to frustration, feeling defeated, compulsive behavior to cope (e.g., drinking/drug abuse, excessive efforts to please, overspending, overworking, avoiding, etc). Therapy helps you to identify the causes, gain control, and find solutions to enable increased confidence and peace of mind.
Overall, the difference is essential to recognize.
Guilt can be healthy because it allows you to identify and correct any potential problematic behaviors. Shame finds an issue with who you are as a person rather than the action or behavior you took.
Everyone experiences guilt and shame. While some people are more than others, you can learn to handle both emotions with the proper tools.
We all feel emotions like anger and stress at some point. However, what we do with our anger depends on whether we’re prone to guilt and shame. Those who feel guilty are better at constructively using their guilt to make proper changes and resolve issues when angry. Shame-prone people tend to use their anger destructively and tear themselves down, or in some cases, act aggressively towards others.
Guilt is often associated with possessions and actions. You may feel guilty when you’ve harmed someone, or you’re not proud of the way you acted.
We can understand that our actions make others feel bad, emotionally or physically. And as a result of your compassion, you want to make it right. As we grow older, we may also feel guilty because we have something that other people don’t.
As long as our emotions aren’t too extreme or overpowering, this is the healthy side of guilt. It can protect you from correcting behavior and any imbalance.
Shame is limited to our actions. Yes, we can feel shame because we’ve done something terrible, but the emotion isn’t really about actions at all on a deeper level. It’s about who we are as people. We may have done something ‘bad,’ but instead of thinking about our actions, we dwell on what we believe it means about us-we think it’s evidence that we were terrible, inferior, unworthy, or selfish.
While guilt is much easier to deal with than shame, it can still take some thought and effort.t when you’re trying to work through guilt, here are a few things you can do.
Distinguish the difference between your behaviors, and yourself. Make a clear separation between what you did and who you are as a person. If you feel guilty, you’re more likely to experience a distressing feeling of inner conflict, which is okay. The discomfort helps you learn life lessons from experience itself. In act, it can ultimately help you make amends and different choices in the future.
Accept responsibility. In realizing that your actions were wrong or inappropriate, you need to accept responsibility for what you’ve done. Rather than hiding it or pushing it onto someone else, you need to be clear that you may be responsible.
Make amends. In some cases, making amends is easy. You can apologize and repair the situation. But other items, making amends isn’t easy. You may not be able to undo the harm you caused, but you won’t be able to put the experience entirely in the past until you right the wrong in some way.
Those who feel guilty about something they can’t fix often find other ways to make amends. This may involve helping other people. For example, if you disregarded a homeless person on the street who was obviously in need, you might not run into that same person again. So to make things right, maybe you spend your free time at a homeless shelter to help other people in similar positions.
A problem solving approach. It may be more productive to look for healthy solutions instead of beating yourself up or getting upset at other people. How can you right your mistakes if you’ve done something that you’d consider wrong or bad? If you can’t make amends with the person you wronged, is there anything else you can do for people like them?
Make better choices in the future. Sometimes, feelings like guilt have a funny way of changing our entire outlook. In doing something that you find unacceptable, you may find that it becomes a catalyst for more significant change in your life. Maybe you want e to be a better person or take a different path.
In the past, it was customary for parents to intentionally shame their kids into discouraging certain behaviors. This practice has been abandoned in current times as society has understood how shaming kids can be incredibly hurtful.
Shame can be more troubling than guilt. It’s difficult for some of us to separate our actions from who we are as a person. If you’re grappling with shame, you may want to speak with a counselor to help you work through it.
Lowers your self esteem. When you’re prone to shame, you may think that every negative behavior or action says something about who you are. No matter how small or big, every mistake can make you feel like less of a person. Instead of telling yourself, “I did something wrong,” you may say, “I’m a bad person.” This can quickly lead to low self-esteem, which can ultimately affect each area of your life.
It can promote unethical behaviors. Unlike guilt, shame doesn’t make you a better person. Instead, those who cling to shame are more likely to act poorly and hide it from others. By believing they’re unable to change, they blame what they are for their bad behavior, and sometimes they blame others. It can be challenging to adopt a problem-solving mindset when you’re more focused on covering up what you’ve done and decreasing the blame. In this case, it can become difficult to work, live, and socialize with other people.
Creates hopelessness. Changing what you do is much easier than changing who you are. If you’re prone to shame, life can often seem hopeless if you don’t have the power to change it. You may give up entirely on trying to be a good person.
However, there is hope. As people, we can change the way we act and choose to do things differently every day. Working on shame isn’t always easy, but it’s possible.
While shame is an uncomfortable and challenging emotion, feeling shame doesn’t mean you’re a terrible person. You can learn how to overcome these feelings with the proper support. It may be worth considering working with a therapist if you’d like to learn healthier ways to respond to these feelings.
